How to become the person you want to be is a complicated and nuanced question that deserves a lot of thought. The answer can be very specific and situational to you and your needs in this moment. But, I’ve taken a more generalized approach in this post.
Before diving into the ‘how,’ I think it’s important to address the ‘who’ and ‘why’ questions that can crop up around this topic.
I’ve added a table of contents so you can skip to the parts that interest you the most, though I suggest exploring the post in its entirety. If you have more insights and thoughts, please leave comments so we can all learn together.
Here’s a quick tldr synopsis of what’s discussed below:
- define who you want to be
- explore why you want to be this
- determine the gap between who you are now versus who you want to be
- figure out the obstacles and mind blocks
- define what success and failure look like
- deep dive into the plan for becoming the new you
Who do you want to become
Define who you want to be. This definition can be ever changing and dynamic based on where we are in our lives. But, it is still important to develop a definition with a lot of specificity.
There are lots of scenarios where we would want change, but they all seem to fall into 3 main categories:
1. You want more positivity
It’s understandable to want to become a happier, healthier, wealthier, bolder or stronger person. More love, friendships, community, fun, confidence, beauty, respect, resilience, freedom and autonomy are all desirable to have.
We can even add examples here like working towards a preferred profession, changing careers, studying, having better work life balance and quality of life, becoming our own boss, moving cities, becoming a parent, and having a body transformation (be it intense workouts or surgery).
2. You want less negativity
It’s also understandable to want less negative feelings and emotions like depression, anxiety, anger, sadness, loneliness, isolation, hate, resentment, envy, shame, guilt, judgment, hurt, pain, addiction and boredom. I get it!
3. You want to be the impossible
Sometimes, we may want to become a person that is virtually impossible to be. None of us can be perfect, flawless, or younger.
There are some things we can’t change, no matter how much we want to. We can’t change the past, our childhood, ethnicity, socioeconomic background, past trauma and abuse, ‘neurospiciness,’ or genetic/permanent medical conditions.
It’s understandable to want this change, but it may be a non-starter. We likely would be better off pouring our energy into ACCEPTANCE and managing our day-to-day to include more positivity.
So, knowing who you want to become, if it’s possible, and having a specific definition are great things to know before getting started.
Why do you want to become this person
Knowing why you want to change is also pretty important to this conversation.
We are constantly bombarded with external influences so it can be hard to know if this change is something we actually want. Or if it is healthy for our situation. Or meets our needs.
Question where the drive to change is coming from. Is it from:
- parental, family or societal expectations, judgment or shame
- comparison, jealousy, vanity, or peer pressure
- cognitive distortions like catastrophizing, all or nothing thinking, limiting beliefs
- sources of abuse, narcissism, generational or institutional trauma, scarcity mindset
- media influence from print, TV or social media
- internal, subconscious voice or intuition
Internal reasons versus external influences
That innate, internal GUIDING VOICE THAT FEELS RIGHT and feels like I am meant to change in this way is my personal favorite ‘why’ answer.
Internal reasons are probably the best motivators when trying to become the person we want to be. It has to come from within.
If our reasons originate from external influences, we may be disappointed with the outcome; even regret the change.
Examples
Think about wanting a body transformation – to be thinner, bulkier, have less wrinkles, or bigger body parts. What if the reason we want this is due to someone else’s definition of beauty? What the media portrays? What social media pushes to us? What a subset of society tells us is beautiful? What a company wants us to feel so they can sell us their products?
Now, what happens when we achieve the body transformation? Would we suddenly become happy? Or would the goal post move? Would we want to be even thinner or more toned or get even bigger implants?
Getting plastic surgery, fillers, botox, or using Ozempic are growing trends especially among women; and men too. Although risky, these work for some who are incredibly happy with their results. For others though, the risk isn’t worth it, doesn’t solve the original concern and the regret and disappointment follow.
There are so many similar scenarios that can be added here: societal pressures to get married and have kids; family pressures to follow a predefined career path; comparisons and self inflicted pressure to keep up with the Joneses. The list can go on and on.
That’s why it’s so important to explore the ‘why’ answer and verify it is an innate desire that feels right versus an external, toxic influence.
How different are you now to who you want to become
Figuring out the gap between today’s you versus the desired you is also great for the conversation. How different are the two versions?
Who are you now
If you had to describe yourself today, how would you? What is your identity? What are your self concepts? Values? Aspirations? Goals?
What do you already have today that can work in your favor to become the person you want to be? Do you have great features, habits, resources, and relationships that can help? What about knowledge or a supportive environment?
All humans have a negativity bias so it’s pretty easy for us to discredit what we already have (or already are!). But, if we look at our lives with honest eyes, we may be far closer to being the person we want to be.
For instance, if we pay attention, we may realize we are happier and more at peace than we thought. Or we may be healthier than we think since the body has so many amazing, regenerative mechanisms to heal and balance itself. Or we may have more people than we think in our corner, our community.
These questions are NOT meant to gaslight or guilt ourselves. They’re all about paying attention to the negativity bias to determine the baseline of where we are now.
This exercise can definitely help with fleshing out a plan to become the person we want to be.
What’s stopping you from getting there
How long have you been trying to become the person you want to be? Is this your first try? Or have you been at it for some time? What are the obstacles and mind blocks that are affecting your journey?
These are some tough questions but the answers can help us see what’s stopping or sabotaging us. Without any judgment, are any of these a factor:
- low self confidence or self esteem
- fear of judgment or failure
- internal or external shaming
- ADHD, ‘neurospiciness’
- overthinking or analysis paralysis
- proximity to negative influences
If any of these are a factor, it’ll be helpful to work on them too. Easier said than done right?
Here are a couple of ways to counteract these potential saboteurs:
a. Journal about it
Journaling, digging deeper, and even consulting a therapist can help with addressing these behaviors that are limiting our growth. Check out all of my journal prompts posts to get started.
Would we teach these traits to someone younger? It’s likely we would encourage, motivate and empower someone else, so why not direct that energy to ourselves?
b. Use affirmations
Affirmations are great for boosting confidence and esteem while reducing negative beliefs. I am strong, powerful and capable of doing hard things! I deserve love, safety and peace.
These are some simple affirmations to use and I have a bunch of them on the blog to explore.
c. Choose grace and self compassion
With fear, judgment, shame and guilt, we should cut ourselves some slack. We’re being bombarded with so much information and we’re doing our very best.
It’s okay to have bad days, or not feel our best, or have a cheat day. Our bodies and minds deserve grace, compassion, and empathy.
We are now responsible for reparenting our inner child and making her feel safe, free, and happy. Let’s treat her with patience, kindness and tons of love.
d. Accept your mind and body as they are
As I mentioned, we’re constantly being bombarded. Our senses and nervous system are overstimulated and we’re exposed to hormone disrupters, hidden sugars, and harmful compounds.
Mix that with not being neurotypical, having hormonal imbalances, anxiety, and autoimmune conditions and it’s amazing we’re even on this personal growth journey.
So, let’s accept ourselves as we are now. We are beautiful and amazing. We can use the cards we’ve been dealt to our advantage. Let’s not shame ourselves when we can’t perform basic things. It’s okay to take a break.
We can get more things done when our hormones are being corporative and rest when they’re not. Or we can start calming our nervous system before embarking on weight loss programs (stress and lack of sleep play such a big role!).
e. Remove yourself from negative influences
The company we keep and the environment we exist in can also sabotage us from becoming who we want to be. Peer pressure and negative Nellies can pull us back into our bad habits. Misery certainly enjoys company.
In the same vain, if someone has difficulty with alcohol addiction, pub crawls, clubbing and house parties may not be the best environments to be in. Similarly, a plastic surgeon’s office or even Instagram may not be suitable for someone suffering with body dysmorphia.
So, pulling it back to the point. Figure out the obstacles and mind blocks. And, address them to work for your benefit.
What does success look like
You know who you want to be, why, the gap between today and the ideal, and you have figured out the obstacles to get there. Now, let’s define success and failure.
Let’s do a thought experiment. Envision you are now the person you want to be. You have what you want already. Feel the emotions in your body with that thought. How much has changed? Are you happier? Are you satisfied?
Sometimes, when we achieve what we want, it doesn’t make us happier. We can get scared of succeeding because we’re worried about everyone else’s reaction. Sometimes, we even move the goal post of success and chase after that new goal.
That ‘chase’ can be addicting and can lead to frustration and self-imposed pressure. If we get to our definition of success – who we want to become – and can’t sit in stillness and enjoy the success, then satisfaction may never come.
Now, I’m not saying to stop growing and evolving. I did say earlier who we want to become can be “ever changing and dynamic based on where we are in our lives.” But, we have to enjoy being this new person, be satisfied with her, love and be grateful for her.
What if you don’t succeed
It’s a tough thing to break away from the hamster wheel of setting goals, achieving them, and chasing new goals and new successes.
So, what happens if we can’t? What happens if we don’t become the person we want to be?
That’s another thought experiment for us to explore. Would it be okay if we become 50% of the person we want to be? 25%? Would it be so bad to not be that person?
Is who we are in this moment enough?
Here’s where the different scenarios and examples can change the direction of this section. If professional development was the aim and it didn’t work out, it wouldn’t be fun. But, you’d learn a bunch of amazing skills you can use in your career. You’ll gain life experience that shouldn’t be discounted.
Now, if having less anxiety was the aim and you still have panic attacks, would that be a ‘failure?’ Or would the tools and techniques you try show you what does or doesn’t work for you. Again, you’ll gain life experience!
If we release our own judgment and shame around our journey and truly accept self compassion and grace, even what we perceive as failure could be reframed as a form of success (just not the exact image what we expected).
We can also loop back into the section above and try acceptance, affirmations and so on to appreciate our journey.
How to become the person you want to be
Ah yes, we are finally at the ‘how.’
All the thought experiments from the above – defining who we want to be, why, the current gap, the mind blocks, and success – can help with creating a plan of action to achieve what we want to.
The answers would show us what habits and knowledge we need, what bold moves to make, which relationships to form, and what we should avoid and unlearn.
Again, this section will vary widely based on the scenarios. For instance, trying to become a lawyer and trying to bulk up would have 2 very different action plans. If we were to take a general approach, here’s what would help:
1. Learn from others
There is so much information at our fingertips. We can find articles, photos and videos for just about anything online. Research what others have done and learn from their experiences and mistakes.
- Use search engines like Google, social groups like Reddit and Facebook, videos posted to YouTube and TikTok, books, podcasts, and even A.I. platforms.
- Communicate directly with those who have first-hand knowledge like family, friends, mentors, strangers. Have good conversations, set up meetings, send emails and DMs. Be open to listen and learn.
2. Ask for help
While there’s so much info available, it may not be specific to your journey. Or it may be too overwhelming. So, why not ask for help?
- Ask your supportive, non-judgmental inner circle for their help. A supportive friend would want to help you build confidence or quit smoking.
- Post specific questions and concerns on social media and in relevant forums including on Reddit and Facebook.
- Seek out mentors who match your needs and personality type. Harsh mentors or narcissists may not be the best for highly sensitive persons and empaths.
- Hire relevant help. Consider getting a therapist, doctor, tutor, trainer or coach. They would be able to answer the questions you have, fill any knowledge gaps, help with creating a plan, and hold you accountable.
3. Create an actionable to-do list
We know who we are now, who we want to become, and the mind blocks to get there. With such clarity, we should be able to make a list of highly actionable things to do.
For instance, to be bulkier, you would have to eat and exercise differently. What should your meals be? How would you prep them? Would you hire a service for meal prep? How would your workouts look like? Would you get a trainer? How often would you work out? When would you rest? What are you cutting out of your diet? What would you do for long term success?
Create items for the to do list that are SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time bound).
Now, what if you want to become a happier person? What does that to-do list look like? Well, a great place to start would be to figure out what makes you happy. How can they be added to your day? What do you think could bring you joy but have never tried? What should you avoid to be happier? What should you confront and deal with? These answers will certainly help your list.
4. Act
It’s easy to get analysis paralysis during this journey. We always feel we’re not ready; we don’t know enough; or we’re going to fail. Here’s where it’s important to think less and act more.
Have audacity and delusion. Go for it without overthinking. Take the risk and the leap of faith. We won’t actually become the person we want to be if we don’t act.
Tackling the to-do list is a great place to start. Here are a couple tips that could help:
- add some really easy tasks to the to-do list. Do them and get a boost of dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation. I add having lunch or messaging a friend on my list all the time.
- gamify the to-do list. We all love playing games and having fun. Can you apply that to your list? Set up healthy rewards for accomplishing tasks. Assign points, use pretty colors, enjoy side quests, ‘unlock’ new tasks, and have fun with it.
- balance attempting tasks with self care, mindfulness and fun. To put it simply, don’t forget to enjoy the journey. Notice the glimmers in the day, feel gratitude, meditate, breathe, laugh, dance, sing, be creative, meet with friends and calm your nervous system down throughout the day. Don’t wait for burn out. Prioritize the balance within the journey while achieving your goals.
- reduce distractions. Carve out time within the day to work on your action plan. That could mean setting a 30 minute timer once a day or reducing phone time.
- be consistent. It truly is the key. The more time you give to yourself, the more likely you will succeed.
I could go on and on. Most successful folks talk about just starting and figuring things out along the way. We’ll never be fully prepared so switch off your overthinking brain and just start.
5. Monitor the progress
It may be useful to track our progress. Your growth may inspire and motivate you to push harder. Or no progress could mean you need to re-evaluate everything.
Here are a couple things you can do:
- journal about your journey. You can write about your day or what you did in the week. You can color code, gamify, use stickers, and get creative with your journal. Remember it’s all about enjoying the journey too.
- embrace self compassion and grace. Release self criticism, shame, and judgment. The journey may not be linear and that’s okay! Work with your strengths and turn what you consider weaknesses into strengths. Work with your body, make time to rest, and cheer yourself on.
- get an accountability buddy. This could be a non-judgmental friend, coach or mentor who helps you to stay committed to your progress. They should be supportive and motivating but should be able to call you out if need be.
- reassess the to-do list with the lessons you’ve learned and what works for you. Consider it like creating a feedback loop so you are setting yourself up for success.
6. Celebrate the journey
However far we get on our journey, it’s important to celebrate the wins and learn the lessons in not winning. Life is all about these beautiful experiences and we truly have to commit to enjoying the journey.
This post has been really long but I hope you’ve found some useful tips on how to become the person you want to be. If you have more to add, please leave a comment so we can all learn together.
I wish you the very best on your journey with lots of love.
